Assertiveness - The ultimate people skill
Are you assertive? Or are you aggressive? Or maybe you are passive?
The answer to the above question can reveal a lot about ourselves and how successful we are in our inter-personal relationships. So what are these three types anyway? Let us take a look.
Let us consider the following scenarios.
Someone asks you to do an unimportant task when you are busy with an important project.
Someone asks you to do an unimportant task when you are finally vegging out after a tiring day.
Someone interrupts the queue and positions themselves ahead of you.
Someone keeps doing something that annoys you despite repeated requests from your part.
Someone focuses on some pleasurable activity in stead of doing a task they promised you they would do.
Someone tries to bully you.
Someone tries to hold you responsible for their problems, even though you are genuinely not responsible.
Someone tries to make you feel you are not good enough.
Someone abuses you mentally, emotionally, verbally and/or physically.
How would you respond?
If you tolerate it for the sake of avoiding confrontation or low self confidence, you are the passive type.
If you would angrily bite their head off or yell at them or beat them up, you are the aggressive type.
If you firmly and politely stand up for your rights, you are an assertive person.
By being an assertive person, you are establishing a healthy balance between being a push-over and being domineering. While push-overs may be liked generally, they suffer from low self-esteem and harbor unexpressed resentments and generally feel life is unfair. Eventually they may have bursts of venting where they suddenly explode with all their pent up feelings. Domineering, manipulative aggressors try to push their way through life, with no regard for other people's feelings. While they may get their way with passive people, they are generally disliked and avoided. They also suffer from self-esteem issues.
Assertive people respect themselves and others. They won't let anybody push them around, and they won't push others around either. They are calm and collected people who gain respect and are well-liked. Their body language and manner are very confident and trustworthy.
So how do you become an assertive person? The answer depends on whether you are a passive person or an aggressive person.
If you are a passive individual:
1. Remember that everytime you fail to say "No" to others, you are saying "No" to yourself. If you don't want to do something, say No. If you cannot accept something, say No.
2. Know that each person is responsible for their own life. So no matter what anybody else tries to manipulate you into believing, you are NOT responsible for another adult's life and problems.
3. Know also that you are responsible for your own well-being. You owe it to yourself. You cannot blame fate or upbringing or partners or society or colleagues or situations for your problems. Take charge of your own life.
4. Remember that Aggressive people "feed on" passive people. You may attract many aggressive people into your life because you seem an easy target for them. Don't associate with them, keep them at arm's length. Invite assertive people into your life.
5. Next time an aggressive person tries to bully you, stay your ground. Start small and work into bigger things as your confidence grows. Repeat your stance with growing firmness, never leaving the limits of politeness.
6. Use the DESC strategy when dealing with people who won't give you what you want. Describe the situation, Explain how you feel, Seek a solution and remind of Consequences. Do it politely and firmly.
7. Try to find a middle ground that is acceptable to both parties. Create win-win situations.
8. If someone is too stubborn and refuses to listen to reason, remember that you don't need their approval. Do things your way - it is your life.
9. Remember that you have a right to make mistakes and not know everything.
10. Remember that you don't have to be liked by everyone. You don't need someone to like you in order to get along with them.
If you are an aggressive individual:
1. Admit to yourself that you have anger management and empathy issues. Read more about these and seek help if it is absolutely beyond control.
2. Remember that the people who obey you when you bully/manipulate them are not liking you or respecting you. They will probably only be too happy to avoid you or remove you from their lives.
3. Get a better grip on your emotions. Control your emotions and don't let them control you.
4. Remember that everyone needs to be treated with respect. You are no more special than anyone else out there, and we are all on the same team.
5. Listen to other people when they speak. Do something nice for others once in a while. You will be amazed at how much happy it makes you.
6. Start small, conquer yourself by first resisting small incidents that make you lose control. Then you can move on to better things.
7. Dealing with assertive people can be good for you. Learn conflict management from them. Stop seeking out passive folks.
8. Try to find middle ground acceptable to both parties. Create win-win situations.
9. Remember that it is only human to make mistakes. There is no need for you to yell at people or beat them up for every mistake they make. Also you don't have to "protect" adults from making mistakes by manipulating them and controlling them.
10. Stop threatening people. It never works in the long run. Remember that there comes in everyone's life a time when he/she needs help and you never know what bridges may prove helpful. Don't burn bridges, we may have to cross the same river many times.
This article was featured in the Ninth Edition of Improving Life Carnival.
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