Are annoying people blessings in disguise?
Contrary to popular belief, annoying people can be a blessing in disguise when it comes to self discovery and self improvement! Lower those raised eye-brows, and bear with me as I seek to explain the point. :)
Not everyone manages to annoy everyone else (ah, there are exceptions - but most people do not fit that category). Some people bother you alone and not anyone else, and yet others do not annoy you but manage to annoy others. Why? It is because of our unique personalities. Understanding what triggers our annoyed responses can go a long way in self discovery.
I recently came across an activity that would help us do just that. I tried it out, had results, experimented with it, and finally came up with a modified version of that activity. That tweaked version seemed to give me the optimal results, and as usual, I am sharing it here.
What annoys you?
First of all, make a list of things that annoy you. And this list should have short sentences, saying "I am annoyed that <name> is <quality that annoys you>" For example, "I am annoyed that John is too critical" or "I am annoyed when Mary talks behind people's back." Sometimes you may find that it is not just a person that annoys you but a certain activity they perform. For example, "I am annoyed when my neighbor plays the music too loud."
Remember that the phrasing here is very important - when you say "I am annoyed by X when he does that" it puts you in control, but if you say "X annoys me by doing that" puts X in control. So always word your sentences so that you are in control of the situation. Proceed to the next step when you are done.
What does that say about you?
For this step, substitute the person's name in each sentence with "I". "I am too critical" or "I talk behind people's back a lot." Sometimes this could immediately ring true, but other times you have to take the time to consider that possibility. Do you always nag your spouse/kids/friends to "make them better"? Or maybe you have gossiped about your friends behind their backs? You only have to admit it to yourself.
The Faults: You may see that some qualities indeed do ring true when attributed to you. There are the faults. These are things that you are not proud of, yet do all the same. Your conscience is trying to remind you of it by magnifying the same trait in someone else. It is projected to you to tell you how much you don't want to be that person! Write these down under the heading 'Things I need to work on'.
The Values: Some other traits are such that you definitely cannot identify with them and are very much opposed to it. Maybe you really dislike people talking behind others' backs. Maybe it is something you wouldn't be caught dead doing. Well congragulations, loyalty is your value! These traits are in fact pointers to your values. People who can't stand liars could be honest. People who cannot stand injustice would be fair. People who cannot stand others playing irritatingly loud music may be sensitive to others' feelings themselves. And so on. Identify these and write them down under the heading 'Things I should be proud of'.
The Insecurities: This is an important part. There may be annoying qualities that you do not possess, but they may not be your values either. They could be things that you most fear, or are insecure about. If you are insecure about your own public speaking skills for example, you may get annoyed at someone who flaunts the skill in your face (probably without even knowing about your insecurity). Or you may resent your friend flaunting her love relationship if you feel deep down that you may not have the same for yourself. Jealousy is usually a sign of insecurity. You would be able to distill out such traits from your list by some introspection. Write them down under the heading, "Things I am insecure about."
What can you do about it?
Now for the last step. What can you do about all this, now that you know it all? Knowing your faults can trigger a quest for self-improvement. Being aware of the problem is a huge step in itself, as most people simply do not know their weaknesses! Once you know it, you can actively seek to solve it. If it is an insecurity you can work towards eliminating it, and once it is eliminated, you will find that you won't find that trait annoying at all.
The next time the annoying person does their thing, you can relax. You can remind yourself why this annoys you. If it is a trait in yourself, reaffirm your commitment to erasing that from your personality and congragulate yourself for taking active steps towards it. If it is a value of yours, you can be proud of it, and also realise that people have different values, and choose to not be judgmental. If it is just an insecurity, remind yourself that you have no reason to be insecure, and seek ways to improve your confidence in that area.
Always remember that many times it is not the annoying people themselves that interrupt your calm, it could be something in yourself that gets you bothered. And then remember that you are in control of the situation. Do not feel victimized, and in stead use it as a tool to better yourself!
